Catching up, and an epiphany (females only–tmi to follow)

Well, things are finally settling down a little (shhhhh…not saying that too loudly since I don’t want things picking up again!)  I’ll need to make a couple of posts to touch on different things that are going on.

The estate process is pretty much done, though it took a lot more time, energy and effort than any of us was expecting.  Dear MIL swore she had done certain things to make the process easier, i.e. designating beneficiaries, arranging accounts and legal documents, etc, besides the will well beforehand.  Yeah…no, she hadn’t.  So, despite having a will, and a judge’s order, we still had to go through an extended song and dance routine with the banks regarding the IRAs, checking and savings accounts, bonds…you get the general idea.  What was frustrating as hell was it seemed the banks wanted to make up their own rules, then change them in the middle of it as they saw fit.  I won’t go into gory details, but what should have taken a few days, maybe a week, took a grand total of a month.  And it only happened that quickly after threatening legal action against them.  *Sigh*  It’s bad enough to lose a family member, but then having to go through the red tape and bullshit that follows should be defined as criminal.

We finally got through dividing up and cleaning out the house, and then the repairs, painting, etc, that followed.  SIL bought out our half and nephew is going to rent it from her for his residence/place of business, so it worked out well.  MIL had hinted that she would have liked to see the house stay in the family, so for the moment it is.

Hubby and I took a mini vacation (two days) to the Hill Country for our 13th wedding anniversary as well as taking a wine tour through the area.  Will post a separate blog about that adventure as well as pictures.

Since we promised the munchkin a trip to the coast before school starts, we make a two day trip down to Corpus Christi/North Padre Island and just got back from that today.  I call it a successful beach trip when we all return and none of us have been sunburned.  🙂

Okay, this next section is for females only, as it will contain TMI.  So, if you’re male, or a female who is easily shocked or offended, click out now.  You won’t be missing anything important, I promise.  From here on out there are no filters, so pardon my French.

The only ones remaining should be brave female souls, and you will either completely understand because you’ve already been through it, can commiserate because you’re also in the midst of it, or are too young yet but will read on with horrified fascination.

I haven’t been at the top of my game recently, by any stretch of the imagination.  I figured it was because of the stress of trying to deal with MIL’s terminal illness, death and subsequent sorting of the estate.  I actually count it as a blessing that she and I weren’t close, because it was hard enough to see the pain and grief hubby was going through; I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been if what I had been feeling had been extreme.

How to define not at the “top of my game”?  Let’s see–I went stupid.  The brain was not functioning normal at all.  I couldn’t remember shit.  I’d walk in a room to do something and have no idea what the hell I was there for.  I couldn’t recall simple things, much less more complex things.  I was having to look up stuff for work because I couldn’t remember how to spell doctors names, medical terms or medications I had typed for YEARS.  We’re not even going to mention the common English words I couldn’t remember.  I’d get up to go get a cup of coffee and after doing three different things return without the cup of coffee.

What else.  Oh yes, my ass decided to grow beyond what is acceptable by average societal norms.  Well, not just my ass, but overall in general.  Part of that was my fault entirely.  I’m an emotional eater; it is one of my major faults.  Going hungry when you’re growing up puts more emphasis on the role of food, the pleasure one derives from the flavor, the feeling of hunger being eliminated, and a whole bunch of f’d up stuff being rolled into one and attached to food not relating to nutrition/sustenance.  Earlier in the year when I found out a bunch of stuff about a brother and sister I haven’t seen in decades and their subsequent realities due to abuse they suffered from our biological mother, I started eating more than I should have been, and not from hunger.  I recognized this, but while you’re in the midst of crap it’s kind of hard to control it.  Then hubby’s mom had her strokes, then heart attacks, and on that downhill course my self-destructive tendencies continued.  By the time I was able to pull my head out of my ass I needed to lose about forty pounds.  Why I say that it was only part my fault is that going by what I consumed during that time frame along with other factors, it normally would not have amounted to forty pounds.  For some reason I started gaining weight very, very easily.  (And some of you are already seeing where this post is leading).

I wasn’t exercising like I should have been, because in part I was tired.  Between 3 and 4 o’clock every day I would yawn constantly and could easily take a two hour nap if I had a chance.  Energy wasn’t abundant at any other time throughout the day, either.  I would easily get bummed out.  Again I attributed it to the stress.  I would get pissed off easily, or really for no reason at all.  Sometimes I’d feel a ‘thunk’ in my chest, and came to realize when that happened my heart was skipping a beat.  And God forbid should I sneeze three times in a row–two times I’m okay, but the third time would be a guarantee of a tiny bit of pee saying “hello, world!”  Didn’t matter that I do Kegel exercises religiously.

So I’m stupid, forgetful, fat, moody, depressed, and I pee on myself.  What else?  Oh yeah, libido has bit the dust.  Okay, not entirely, but as in I don’t get horny out of the blue like I used to.  Well, even then it wasn’t out of the blue–it correlated to the time I was ovulating.  Hubby was guaranteed a few days of being totally worn out by me every month.  Now?  He can still get my engine running just by kissing me on the back of the neck, but it doesn’t get running on its own like it used to.  And that has also cut into my writing to a degree (those primal urges tie into the writing urge hand in hand at times).  Dealing with Mother Nature was a pain in the rear, too.  When I was younger I could literally tell you what hour I was going to start, I was that regular.  Every 28 days, at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, with 7 days of light to medium flow.  (Hey, I told you it was going to be TMI!!!).  I could tell when I ovulated by the dull pain on one side or the other, along with the egg white output and the huge increase in sex drive.  As time went on, the 28 days turned into 28 to 32 and 7 days turned to 5 to 7.  Then it went to 27 to 28 days with slight spotting two days before, then 3 to 4 days with one of those heavy.  All of a sudden it shifted to 21 to 23 days, the slight spotting before Niagra Falls for 2 days then 1 day light.  My OB/GYN told me this shorter/heavier cycle was coming, so I wasn’t alarmed by it.  The last two months it had been 21 days with 2 days of open up the flood gates then stopping.

Did I mention I was stupid and forgetful?  Yeah, TOTALLY did not see a correlation with any of the above.  This last month going by my signs I ovulated THREE times.  I didn’t think that was humanly possible until I did some research and found out that yes, it was.  And it usually happens in perimenopause.  I still didn’t connect the dots.  Go ahead, sue me–see if I care.

This last week to week and a half I felt like shit.  I swore I had some terminal condition or something.  Felt like I had a 15 pound weight where my uterus should be, constipated so bad I should have been put out of my misery, cranky as hell and if hubby had tried to get frisky I probably would have snatched his pecker off and buried it in the backyard.  Thankfully he had been busy as hell at work so we didn’t really have time to “connect”.  A few days ago we had some time alone, he was frisky and I just thought ‘why the hell not–if I end up in agony, then I end up in agony’.  Funny thing was, I didn’t.  It felt GOOD.  Which left me with WTF???  How can I feel so knotted/twisted up yet when we do it, it was like it all disappeared?  Have I lost my fucking mind?  Then I started with a little spotting.  Which had me chasing my tail thinking something was seriously wrong.  Somewhere in there someone took pity on me and the little voice in my head said, “There’s nothing wrong…relax.”  Over the years I’ve learned to listen to that little voice, so I did what a semi-rational human being would do–I did some research.

I know a large majority of you are laughing your asses off out there.  Go ahead–you’re entitled to.  By the time I had done with my research I had come to the conclusion I was a huge dumb-ass.  Yes, all of these “symptoms” are perimenopause.  All right, everyone at the same time now–“DUH!!!”

I’ve been waiting for Niagra Falls and there has been none.  Nada.  Just a little sputtering spotting and that’s it.  Hubby had a vasectomy years ago, so I know I’m not pregnant.  (Can you imagine TRIPLETS at 47???)  F’ing shoot me!  Nope, just the change of life settling in.  Once I realized that, I was actually ecstatic to know I wasn’t losing my mind, I wasn’t dying or had some strange funkiness going on, it’s just the transition.  And since that realization settled in, the intensity of me chasing my tail has decreased significantly.

For the last seven weeks I have exercised religiously.  I exercise every other day without fail, started off with 30 minutes on the treadmill (an amount that didn’t result in a heart attack–barely), increased to one hour after two weeks, then at the six week mark I increased to an hour and a half.  Hubby bought a TIVO and I record cooking shows from Food Network, and I watch these 30-minute shows while I’m on the treadmill.  I’ve managed to work up to a full incline of 10 (basically walking uphill) the entire time at a speed of 3 miles in an hour, and when the 30-minute show is over I take a break of a couple of minutes to load up the next program and then resume exercising as it starts.  I’ve learned a bunch of new recipes while managing to burn off sixteen pounds.  It’s an absolute bitch because years ago I could have exercised a third of what I am now and burned the same amount of weight off, but now it takes three times as much.  😦  I’m also watching what I eat, making sure I load up on plenty of fresh greens, poultry, lean beef, as well as calcium sources (Greek yogurt, sugar-free Carnation instant breakfast).  I’ve pretty much cut out all sugars, white flour and pasta.  Once I get down to an ideal weight I’ll indulge in those items occasionally, but for the most part they’re out of the picture now that Mother Nature is slowing down and things are changing.

I’m looking forward to having no periods, just as long as somewhere along the line I regain my brain and something that semi-sorta resembles my figure.  Until then, I’ll just keep plodding along.


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